So You Think You Might Die Alone…And Other Fall Feelings

Hello, cuffing season!

Hello. It’s me.

Ah, fall. Changing leaves. PSL’s (for those who aren’t fall season basic: pumpkin spiced lattes). Cooler weather. Football and tailgates. Pretending to understand or care about what’s happening during sports games. And what’s commonly attributed to this time of year: cuffing season.

Image created by me, quote by someone famous/wise

The More You Know

Did you know the term, “cuffing season” made its mainstream debut on Twitter circa 2011 but reached uber popularity in the 2013 Fabolous track, Cuffin Season?

According to the go-to resource for dial-up AOL, former VCR-using elder millennials like myself – Urban Dictionary – cuffing season is defined as, “During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be ‘Cuffed’ or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity cause singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.”

Let’s expand on one specific aspect of that definition: a serious relationship. For all intents and purposes, let’s go with a relationship, in general, is defined by the individuals involved in the said relationship (or relationsitch); you are being intimate on some level with another person that you are romantically (or just physically) interested in…presumably, that person is aware of this and an active participant in said intimate interactions IRL, not your imagination. For instance, in my imagination, Chris Evans and I are a thriving, very much in love power couple. IRL, haven’t actually met [takes a moment to pray and manifest]. I say that as the wonderful world of dating nowadays is a fucked up, sad shower-taking, terrifying place to be and people are pretty fast and loose with how they define a relationship. Also, from an inclusion standpoint, not all relationships knowingly involve just two people (e.g. polyamorous, open relationships). The operative word in that sentence being “knowingly” but that’s a topic for another post.

Anyways…

The origins of this definition are thought to date back to hunter-gatherer days where single humans literally coupled up just to increase their odds of survival during the harsh winter months. I feel pretty confident the biological need to procreate is another reason too.

Image from Jurrasic Park/Universal Studio via Google search

Since We’re Not Fighting Scary Shit Daily…

Though a part of our days doesn’t include the need to kill the likes of a saber-toothed tiger purely for survival (literally not figuratively) and our hunt for food can easily be done via a food delivery app that comes to our door without having to actually interact with a fellow human, we still deal with scary (and annoying) shit daily. For instance, as a BIPOC woman in America, that list includes things like microaggressions, systemic racism, pay disparity, shrinking ourselves to appease our inherently privileged counterparts, policing our tone, simply existing while being a person of color, so on and so forth. Other things universally include student loans/crippling debt, housing affordability, healthcare, meetings that could’ve been an email or Microsoft Teams DM, making sure your camera and mic are in fact off, wondering why you as a non-billionaire pay more in taxes than billionaires, implementing term limits, ending the filibuster, voting rights, fighting for the right to make decisions for our bodies ourselves versus mediocre white men making those decisions for us, and the trauma of the general millennial and Gen X experience.

Current pandemic aside which is a separate but related category, why do people seek relationships between October through Valentine’s Day? I don’t prefer to speak in generalities but in this instance, it’s easier. Short answer: shit gets lonely, days are shorter and colder with less sun, end-of-the-year scaries©, seasonal affective disorder, boredom…the list goes on. Basically, it’s human nature to seek comfort and connection. Perhaps somewhere it’s hardwired into our genes.

So I’m Cuffed-ish but is it Just Seasonal?

Original creator unknown

Are you somewhere on the cuffing season dating spectrum that falls before a committed relationship? While life would be so much less complicated if people openly and honestly communicated intent (casual, just wants gf/bf benefits and not the title, ready to settle down, etc.), how they’re feeling, where things stand/where they see things going, they don’t! Despite the fact that these types of conversation can be done entirely over text or voice message (or, trigger warning: the phone) without ever having to actually look someone in the eye like a respectable and emotionally mature adult with integrity. If you find yourself wondering, “What are we?” or some iteration of that question, here are a few red flags to look out for that scream you’re viewed as just a seasonal fling:

  • Love bombing
  • Future planning doesn’t extend beyond this current winter
  • Intimacy is pretty limited to physical and surface level
  • Periodic ghosting/inconsistent communication
  • Avoidance of serious topics meant to create an emotional connection
  • The person literally telling you directly or indirectly they’re not looking for anything serious
  • Lack of or inconsistent effort
  • Not initiating or planning dates in advance; super basic dates
  • Relationship hoppers
  • When you ask some form of what you are, uttering the phrase, “Let’s just see what happens” or “I’m not into labels”

This is not an exhaustive list but some common things based on first and secondhand experience.

Public Service Announcement (PSA)

Above all else, NEVER assume and be an adult by being upfront with your intentions and expectations. If you’re only looking for casual, just fucking say that. If you’re ready to settle down, say that and don’t waver and settle; you are not going to change someone who has no intention of being in a serious relationship with you. It’s beneath you to waste an ounce of energy convincing someone that they should; if they refuse to recognize your greatness, leave them where they’re at and move on. Friends, if you want to know what’s up, ask. Likewise, if you feel confused and are questioning anything, that’s your answer.

Building off that (ah corporate jargon), here are some things to ask yourself if you’re actually dating with the intent of a committed relationship. The prework to this being put in the work on yourself be it addressing and healing trauma, commitment issues, etc.:

  • What do I want versus NEED in a partner (there’s a difference)?
  • What are my boundaries?
  • Where do I stand on things such as children, religion, finance, lifestyle, politics, etc. and what are my boundaries around those things with a partner (what are the dealbreakers)?
  • Have I fully healed from past relationships?
  • Am I actually ready for a committed relationship and putting myself out there fully?
  • Is my self-worth and identity based on internal or external factors? If the latter, why?
  • What is my attachment style?
  • What are my love languages (the real ones not shit like food)?

Again, not an exhaustive list but thought starters. Also, some great questions to consider while getting to know a potential partner. The world is full of mess, do your part by not adding to it.

Date Night Essentials

Whether you’ve downloaded Hinge or any other dating app for the 1,595,505 time or you’re in a relationship already, here are a few of my fall date night picks. Full disclosure, if you purchase any of these items, I will receive a very small commission at absolutely no added cost to you. #SupportBIPOCCreators

What are your thoughts on cuffing season? Is it your jam or do you think it’s a way for people to remain superficial and have an easy out? Share your thoughts here or on the corresponding IG post [widgets up top]!

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